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Let it go…let it go. We all recognize these words from a familiar Disney movie. Words that many times are much easier sung than done! How often do we hold on to minor offenses done to us by others…many times unknown by the “offender”? We either become angry and defensive or retreat into ourselves. I am guilty of this a lot, especially the retreating part.

With that in mind, I have been questioning why all of this is happening. I’m questioning God. I know that God can handle my questions, but I need to find the answers. I know that God is who He says He is. I know He can do what He says He can do. But do I really believe that when things get really scary? Do I believe that He will show up? Can I really put the fate of my children in God’s hands? Can I put all my earthly treasures and possessions in God’s hands? I know these treasures on earth are not the important things, but once my mind starts down this path, I just kept on questioning, spinning out of control. Can I trust that God is going to show up? He has so many times before, yet I am questioning if he’ll show up for me again, or have I used up all my favors? I am scared!

So many of the people I pray for have health issues. As a retired physician, I find myself unconsciously analyzing people’s prognoses based on what I know about their health issues. I find myself thinking, “Wow! That cancer is stage 3 or 4. That’s going to take a real miracle from you Lord, for her to be healed.” Or, “He’ll get better. We can treat that now.” I catch myself prioritizing which people to pray for miracles for.

As I turn the pages of my bible I see notes of dates and events next to verses that brought me comfort or peace in hard times. Psalm 147:3, He heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds.” Next to that verse is written the date my grandmother died. Psalm 91:14-16, “ ‘Because he loves me,’ says the LORD, ‘I will rescue him; I will protect him, for he acknowledges my name. He will call upon me, and I will answer him; I will be with him in trouble, I will deliver him and honor him. With long life will I satisfy him and show him my salvation.’ ” The date written here corresponds to a time of painful and difficult parenting, when my autistic son was in middle school. I once spent most of a challenging year reminding myself to “Be still, and know that I am God” (Psalm 46.6).

I used this time of loneliness as an opportunity to grow in my relationship with the Lord and also myself. I spent a lot of time journaling, reading, and learning more about the person God has intended me to be. God knows our hearts the best, so why not listen to what He has to say? Looking back, I am thankful for moments like that because it made me stronger by being open-minded during difficult times.