Deserving or Irreplaceable?

In July I had the experience of a lifetime in birthing our perfect and beautiful daughter Giulietta. Everything about it was just mystically magical, beautiful, awesome and reflective of God’s overwhelmingly thoughtful design and love. To say it was life-changing is an absolute understatement, and one of the ways that life change surprised me most was the intense range of emotions it brought on.

One night when our girl was a bit older and I was trying to put her to bed for the night, a few months of an accumulation of sleep deprivation on top of constantly feeling low, I snapped and raised my voice. She silenced for a moment and continued crying – my little innocent baby, who was just struggling to get back to sleep without me right next to her.

Later on, once she had gotten to sleep, I was thinking about how I felt so out of control and was ashamed of this sudden anger I had, that I’d never struggled with before. Despite knowing the sleep deprivation and hormonal change-induced depressive feelings likely were the main culprit, I wanted to pray about it as it really disquieted my heart, so as I prayed aloud. In my guilt I told God I didn’t know why He gave her to me when I fail so constantly. I really said, “why didn’t you give her to someone more deserving?”. And He placed in my heart the phrase “there is no one more deserving.” It took me by surprise, like a firm but tender hand on my shoulder. And I instantly took it to mean that to raise a baby the way I want to, I would need to be perfect, and there is no one better at this than I am because no mother is perfect. Ecclesiastes 7:20 (NIV) states: There is not a righteous man on earth who does what is right and never sins. We are all equally broken, in need of God’s help and saving: For all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God, and are justified freely by his grace through the redemption that came by Christ Jesus (Rom. 3:23-24). This makes no “good” or “more experienced” mother better than the other. Jesus speaks in John 15 about how He chose us and appointed us to bear fruit, even concluding His words by explaining that our bearing fruit (among other commands in the same passage) is what enables us to love others, primarily our families and children. You did not choose me, but I chose you and appointed you to go and bear fruit (John 15:16). He knew we won’t be able to do this perfectly without His help, which is why He urges us to continually draw near to the throne of grace (Heb. 4:16) with confidence: He knows our weaknesses and has empathy for us as we struggle to do the right things (Heb. 4:15-16). Of course, this message is for all people in any role, and not just parents.

In addition to that angle, I realized there is no one more deserving of being my girl’s mother simply because God chose me for her mother. “Deserving”—that word felt so solemn, it was humbling because it drew my attention to our inability to truly raise children perfectly, as the true wondrous gifts they are, and the mystery that is God’s intent for me to be her mother—the questioning of which is really just me doubting God’s perfect intention. Somehow, here I was learning that I hardly deserve the immense honor of playing this role but also that no one else could do it better than me (and others can say the same about their own children). This was such a reflective moment: all at once God humbled me and encouraged me (which only He seems to be able to do this wonderfully).

There is a phrase I’ve read that goes “replaceable everywhere but here.” I am not sure who originally said it, but it typically refers to the role you play as a mother in your home. I like to think of how it may be applied to more: replaceable everywhere but … God chose me to be my children’s mother. My husband’s wife. My mother’s and father’s daughter. My sister(s)/brother(s) sister. My best friends’ friend. Only you can be who you are for these important relationships in your life! While you may be able to leave a job and be replaced by someone who is just as good at it or better than you were, there will “never be another you” when it comes to relationships with people God has placed around you. Christ followers love to think about the beautiful poetry of Psalm 139: I’ve noticed it applied in so many ways; oftentimes when reflecting on God’s amazing design of growing, birthing, and witnessing the development of babies/children. I don’t often see it applied to the individual as a mother/wife/sister/friend—we praise Him, for we are fearfully and wonderfully made: in part to be irreplaceable in the lives of those God divinely intended to be close to us!