When I was eleven years old, my sixteen-year-old brother was murdered by two of his classmates in one of the most notorious school shootings in United States history, at Columbine High School. Just days later, my dad told the media in an interview that he had no animosity towards the killers, or the families of the killers. To many people, that’s a forgiveness that is hard to comprehend, especially so soon afterwards. However, it is a forgiveness the Bible talks about extensively. Like in Ephesians 4:32: Be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, as God in Christ forgave you (ESV). Or what about Matthew 6:15: But if you do not forgive others their sins, your father will not forgive your sins (ESV). That one can be difficult to swallow. The Bible also doesn’t say that any certain sin is so heinous we shouldn’t forgive it. Both big and small sins alike are to be forgiven, because we too have been forgiven by God.
Some of us might be tasked with trying to forgive some big things in life like murder, sexual assault or betrayal. Oftentimes, forgiveness is not a one-time ordeal, but something we have to do continually when anger over injustice and pain rises up in us. For many of us though, it’s the small things day in and day out that threaten to keep us distant from others or holding grudges. Maybe it’s the passive-aggressive comments you continually get from your parents or that person who always debates you on your politics and drives you nuts. It’s that comment your friend made that you keep replaying in your head because it hurt, but you’re not even sure if they realize it hurt you. Maybe it’s the people who forget the dates that are important to you or the people who promise to do something and never do.
I’ve noticed something dangerous happening in our culture. It’s a culture full of judgement but void of mercy and grace for one another. Some people have coined it, “cancel culture.” Someone makes one small mistake or slip of the tongue, and the mob is out to destroy their entire career and future. Someone messes up and we cut them out of our lives completely. Those relatives that have different politics than you, we better put up “boundaries” to “protect our peace.” I know that in some cases there truly are volatile and toxic people that do need to be cut out of our lives. However, I think many times today, we are giving ourselves permission to just not deal with having to do the hard work of relationships, which includes a lot of forgiving. In a study by Cornell University, 27% of adult children have cut off contact with a family member, most often a parent or sibling. That’s a huge increase from years past.
My middle brother and I always fought a lot. As adults, we mellowed out, but we both remained opinionated and conversations could still get heated. Somehow though, we would have those conversations, put them aside, and still have a good time. My brother was always better at that than I; he was quick to forgive while I tended to enjoy nursing a grudge. When my brother was diagnosed with stage four colon cancer, it gave me even more of a different perspective. I accepted that sure, we might always have different opinions about certain things and that was ok. I embraced him for who he was, and I was grateful for any time I had to spend with him. Just last year, I held his hand as he entered heaven, so grateful for the relationship and bond that we had over his lifetime.
Colossians 3:13: Bear with each other and forgive one another if any of you have a grievance against someone. Forgive as the Lord forgave you (NIV).
I’ve been thinking lately, what would it look like if we could offer someone radical grace today? It might be working on forgiving that one really big injustice in your life. Or, a lot of times, it might be showing grace for all those little slip-ups. For me, it’s trying to assume the best in others. It’s trying to become a really hard person to offend. It’s being able to have calm, engaging conversations about religion or politics, even with people I think very differently than. I wonder what our culture would look like if we did what James says in James 1:19-20: Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry, because human anger does not produce the righteousness that God desires (NIV). As Christians, I hope we can be a light of grace and forgiveness in our culture, that just doesn’t make sense to those around us. I pray we can live with radical grace and forgiveness.
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