I have been stuck in the “be still” place. You know that place, between something that you are not happy with and the “what do I do now” place. My husband had an affair 8 years ago for 3 years. I’m just finding out now, 8 years later. I had an idea at the time, but was going through some things on my own, I had just been diagnosed with MS and my focus was on that.
You might be saying, “And why are you not divorced yet?” I wish I could say everything has been great since then, that he has been so sorry for his actions that he came back to our family with a humbled heart ready to serve us and be with us. Not the case. He is blameful of me and it has been very difficult. I’m working through this with a loving God who wants me to see His glory. But what does that look like? I’ll get back to that in a minute (not that I have the answer yet).
I have compassion in my heart for my husband, yet am so grateful to have the “divorce ticket.” Our marriage has never really been easy. Here’s the thing: just because I am biblically allowed to divorce (Matthew 19:9) doesn’t necessarily mean that it is God’s will. I have been working hard through prayer and reading God’s word, seeking the counsel of one of our pastors, talking with Christian friends and bankrolling an amazing, Godly therapist (with whom my pastor has met and he agrees with my opinion!) so that I can move forward with God by my side, to do His will. I have been aware of this situation for a few months now and have been “still” in my place, searching for discernment of God’s will.
Abraham has been on my heart. He has been in the “still” place often and he has been in the “do” place even more. I’m looking to Abraham as a model when I’m asked to “do” or to move. He was asked to pick up from his comfort zone, his house, and move. What did he do? He picked up everything and moved. His wife, his nephew Lot and all their animals and belongings just moved. We know from Hebrews 11 that he didn’t really question it, but rather did it by faith. When God commanded “Just move, I’ll let you know more later,” (I’m paraphrasing of course) Abraham obeyed. (Gen. 12:1)
He was asked to circumcise all the males in his household. What did he do? He took every male in his household and circumcised them. Abraham was 99 years old. (Gen 17:23)
He was asked to sacrifice his son. What did he do? He took his beloved son, the one the Lord established his covenant through, and went to sacrifice him. (Gen. 22)
What did Abraham do? Obeyed. He obeyed!
Two things hit home for me; obeying God and not knowing the ending. Abraham was faithful to God and he obeyed, without knowing the final plan. Abraham knew God, knew God was good and His plans were better than anything he could come up with on his own.
Recently I’ve visualized my life as a show on stage where God gives me just an inch of the picture. Just a little bit at a time. He asks me to move or “do” and when I follow His will, He’ll pull the curtain back a little more. Showing me a little more of the plan. Each time I’m faithful He will reveal either the next step or give some insight into His plan to help me move forward to do His will.
My curtain has been sliding open, a little bit at a time. We originally decided to work it out. Right after that decision my husband did just the opposite, saying he’s giving me my space to “be still.” Obviously I was very confused but being still has been good for me, being on my knees and in the presence of my Lord. My husband is not stepping into the “working it out” part yet. I do not know if this will ultimately end in a divorce so I need to continue to seek God out and be faithful to do His will, not mine or my family or my friends. What I do know is that God is working in my husband’s heart. He’s working behind the scenes. I have to step in and be uncomfortable (like moving your entire family) or be in pain (can’t say much more about a circumcision), or have anxiety (nothing like offering up your beloved son), and just be obedient knowing God’s plan is the best plan.
I am thankful and grateful that the Lord of the Universe loves me so much that He wants a relationship with me. He wants me to know Him and He wants to show me His glory. How will I know I’m seeing His glory if I don’t know Him? I am willing to go through the storm praising God and being comfortably at His feet.
“Be still, and know that I am God.” (Psalm 46:10)
The writer of this blog has chosen to remain anonymous for the obvious reasons. Please pray for her and her family as she walks on this path with our loving Savior. For more on discerning God’s will, check out this blog post (related to finding your calling, but still helpful): https://studywithfriends.org/whats-my-calling-four-principles-to-help-you-figure-it-out/. Also, readers in a similar situation to the author might find this bible study series helpful: https://studywithfriends.org/divine-sovereignty-vs-human-responsibilty/