This week marked three years since my beloved husband, Scott, passed away. I’m to the point where I can make heads from tails and have been able to reflect on all I’ve learned, and all that God & I have been through since that horrible day. I’ve learned so much about grief these past 3 years. I honestly never thought I would smile again and never expected to feel genuine happiness ever again. I thought that anyone who lived a full, happy life after experiencing a loss like mine simply didn’t love their person as much as I loved Scott.
You see, if you love your person as much as I do, there’s simply no way the sun will ever shine again. No way the sky will ever be blue and no way you’ll ever be happy again. There’s just no way.
But then slowly, very, very slowly, I began to see glimpses of light peering through the endless black hole that had become my life.
And then one day I smiled. I felt immense guilt from allowing myself this pleasure and vowed to never smile freely again. It felt so wrong.
But then one day I laughed.
And then one day I could eat without getting sick.
And then one day I felt like getting dressed and putting on makeup.
And then one day I fell asleep without begging God to have mercy on me by allowing me to not wake up the next morning.
And then one morning I didn’t wake up disappointed that I survived the night.
And then one day I left my house. I had to excuse myself early to go cry in my truck, but I had left my house, and that was progress.
And then one day I noticed that it was a nice day outside and recognized the gift of the warm sun on my skin.
And then one day, I had a good day. And then another. And another and another.
And then one day, nearly 3 years after begging Jesus to take me home, I looked around at the life I’d built around grief; and realized that I was genuinely happy.
And it was shocking.
Against all odds, God somehow restored happiness in my life. And I’ll never question if miracles are real ever again, because I’m living smack dab in the middle of one.
So, if you find yourself in the midst of debilitating grief and sadness, just hold on. It’s the hardest thing you’ll ever have to do- but you can do it. It might take years and it might not seem like it will ever happen, but God is so much bigger than our pain and our circumstances.
And if He can do it for me, He can do it for you.
And He promises. In 1 Peter 5:10, the Bible teaches us this:
“And the God of all grace, who called you to his eternal glory in Christ, after you have suffered a little while, will himself restore you and make you strong, firm and steadfast” (NIV).
And I believe He will. So lean in to the hope, to the strength and to the restoration that He promises. It will be so worth it.
John Hollowell says
May God bless you